failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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