I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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