Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
