i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
