I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
