trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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