the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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