Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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