My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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