Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize