I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
