By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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