i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
