I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
