Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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