I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
