I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
