Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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