I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
