i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize