I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
