Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
