Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
