So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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