My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
