Umm I'm too high to move.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
