i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
