Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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