someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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