It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
