His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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