I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
