Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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