ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
