I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
