??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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