3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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