where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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