When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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