I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
