but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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