I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
