Where did you get a picture of my penis
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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