Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
