I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
