Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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