I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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