Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
