Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
