garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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