I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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