return my video game
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
