is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
