I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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