Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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