You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize