It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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